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Kick Out The Clams--DVD style

The Giant Clam: A Rock Opera DVD is ready for a place on or near your holiday hearth.

The Limited Edition Special Director’s Cut Edition
(LESDCE)
Giant Clam DVD


Only 100 of these LESDCEs exist on Earth. Get yours today!

Two years ago, The Giant Clam was performed. Immediately after the show, the group disbanded. Fortunately, a video was filmed of the event. Unfortunately, it was uneven, and tended to concentrate on a large pillar on stage left.

One year ago, we began work on augmenting the original show footage with archival clips of scuba divers, fish, the ocean, and other oddities in an attempt to create a document of the project that captured the grandeur and heart of this project.

Today, the DVD is complete.

As to the film itself: It is one hour, eleven minutes long. It comes in a DVD case which is in a shade of blue we doubt you’ve ever seen before. The picture is in color and black & white (where appropriate); the sound is in Dolby Digital stereo. It is the awesomest thing you’ve ever seen involving gigantiform mollusks and deep sea exploration and a song called “The Mollusk King.”

Best of all, they’re a mere $12.95.

If you live in Baltimore, you can buy purchase your Clam at two locations:

1)Atomic Books (1100 W. 36th St., Hampden) www.atomicbooks.com
2)Peter’s Inn (504 S. Ann St., Fells Point) www.petersinn.com

If you live elsewhere, you can order them via the magical Internet through our EXCLUSIVE Magical Internet partnership with Atomic Books (click to go to the Giant Clam page at Atomic). There’s a lot of synergy going on between the Giant Clam crew and Atomic Books’ scrivners and merchants. And by synergy, we mean beers.

Act now! Supplies are wicked limited. The next batch will be more boring.

TECH NOTE: As these are Handcrafted Personally For Your Viewing Delight, using the most meticulous Old World artisans available today, there is a SLIGHT chance the DVD (most are DVD+Rs, some are DVD-Rs) may not function on older DVD players. If this is the case, we will grudgingly provide you with a complimentary VHS version of The Giant Clam: A Rock Opera, and you can keep your DVD and give it to someone who cares enough about themselves and being respected as an American to have a good, new, modern, foreign-built DVD player in their home, unlike you and your flakehead flophouse, buddy.

It is done.

The Clam is done.
All hail the Clam.

On Atomic Books' Baltimore shelves tonight; more shelves tomorrow.

Should be available for Internet purchase via Atomic Books in 1-3 days.

Scotchy Holidays!

Slight tech snafu, should be cleaned up directly, and Clams will be available this weekend.

While you're waiting, try these delicious holiday treats, straight from the Colonel's Test Kitchen:

Scotch Squares:
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup granulated Sugar
3 large eggs
2 cups all-purpose Flour
1/4 cup Scotch whiskey
1/4 cup candied citron, chopped
1/4 cup golden raisins, blanched and chopped
1/4 cup almonds, chopped
 
Preheat oven to 375 F and grease two cookie sheets; set aside. In a mixing bowl, cream together the butter and the sugar. Beat in the eggs until well blended. Add the flour and the Scotch whiskey, and beat the dough until smooth. Add the candied citron and almonds, and mix well. Drop the dough from a tablespoon onto the prepared cookie sheets. Use two butter knives or razor blades to form squares. Bake each sheet of Scotch squares for 8 to 10 minutes. Remove the Scotch squares from the baking sheets with a spatula while still warm. Place on a wire rack to partially cool. Store the Scotch squares in an airtight container with a slice of bread to maintain softness. Serve with "Black-Out".
 
Black-Out:
2 shots Scotch whiskey
Strong hot coffee
1 tea spoon sugar

How To Cook A 76-Pound Clam

From The Colonel's Recipe Casket:

Big Ol' 76-pound Clam Casino:

1- Big Ol' 76-pound Clam
6- Pounds of bacon (chopped and rendered lightly, discard grease)
4- 15 Oz. boxes of Progresso Italian Style Bread Crumbs
3- Pounds of butter
2- Bunches of parsley chopped
The juice of 20 Lemons

Shuck the Big Ol' 76-pound Clam using the jaws of life (borrowed from your local volunteer fire department). Place the shucked Big Ol' 76-pound Clam meat on the Big Ol' bottom 1/2 Clam shell, and place on a large baking sheet. Top with lightly rendered bacon. Then top with Progresso Italian Style Bread Crumbs. Then top with one bunch of chopped parsley. Then drizzle with the juice on ten lemons. Then drizzle two pounds of melted butter. Bake for 4 hours at 325 degrees. Then top with the remaining bunch of chopped parsley. Then top with the juice of the 10 more lemons. Drizzle the remaining pound of melted butter over last. Bake an additional 45 minutes at 400 degrees.

Let stand 30 minutes. Slice with electric carving knife and serve with one gallon of cocktail sauce and 100 lemon wedges.


Barbequed Big Ol' 76-pound Clam:

1- Big Ol' 76-pound Clam
5- 6 Oz. bottles of Texas Pete Hot Sauce
5- 8 Oz. boxes of Tony Chachere's Creole seasoning
5- Pounds of butter
The juice of 20 Lemons

Shuck the Big Ol' 76-pound Clam using the jaws of life (borrowed from your local volunteer fire department) discard shells. Place Clam meat on heavy duty aluminum foil. Top with 5- 6 Oz. bottles of Texas Pete Hot Sauce. Then top with 5- Pounds of melted butter. Then top with The juice of 20 Lemons. Then rub 5- 8 Oz. boxes of Tony Chachere's Creole seasoning all over the Big Ol' 76-pound Clam. Wrap the Clam in 5 large rolls of heavy duty aluminum foil and poke holes just to vent. Place wrapped Clam it your shed. (Note: if you do not have a shed use a neighbor’s shed. Sheds made of wood are preferred. Aluminum and plastic sheds are not recommended.)

Catch shed on fire. When the shed burns to the ground carefully remove the Clam package. Let stand for one hour. Slice with electric carving knife and serve with one gallon of barbeque sauce and 100 lemon wedges.

Chamber of Clammerce

The final version is done (Mark V for those scoring at home. And if you're scoring at home, congratulations) STOP Production begins this week STOP More details to follow END MSG

The clam-code to the secret of how to live your life in a shell, just like a giant clam

FROM THE COLONEL
SAT NOV 20 1:52 AM

The Preacher: Do you, Geoff Brown, take these Elvis Girls to be your wife?

Geoff: Yes I do !!

Your Little Dog (Lady?): Bark (paw signing) !

Your Parents: Oh My.

Your Little Dog (Lady?): Bark Bark (paw signing) !

Your Parents' Lawyer: "Geoff and his new Elvis wives must be turned into the police. They will break up and the second Elvis wife (Sting) will be perceived as cool, but actually be a total lame Elvis wife pig."

Your Little Dog (Lady?): help help help (paw signing) !

Oh, let's fucking hope so!

Could Warming Lead to Squid Boom?

Scientists Say Tentacled Creatures Thrive When Waters Warm Up

By AMANDA ONION

Nov. 15, 2004 - As evidence mounts of possible global warming and overfishing, there may be a flip side to the dire news: an abundance of calamari.

Research has shown that many squid, octopuses and other sucker-bearing members of the cephalopod family don't appear to be too troubled by a minor increase in ocean temperature. In fact, when it's a little warmer, some thrive. Plus, as the fishing industry captures more and more of the animals' predators, such as tuna, cephalopods may see their niche expand.

"The good news is they taste great," said John Forsythe, an expert on the creatures from the National Resource Center for Cephalopods near Houston. "They're pure protein and they have no bones."

A study released last week said in the past half-century, average yearly temperatures in Alaska and Siberia have risen by about 3.6 degrees to 5.4 degrees Fahrenheit, while winters in Alaska and western Canada warmed by about 5 degrees to 7 degrees. Scientists say this evidence points to an overall trend of warming temperatures and waters worldwide.

It's uncertain how such warming could affect different animal species, but some believe that cephalopods will thrive.

"For shallow water species, warming temperatures is likely to expand their range and speed up their growth," said George Jackson, a squid expert at the University of Tasmania.


Ballooning in the Heat

Research has shown that even a slight increase in water temperature can make the animals balloon in size. This is because their digestive enzymes work faster when warm.

"For cephalopods, temperature appears to be an accelerator," said Forsythe.

Jackson recently estimated the total body mass of the animals has already exceeded that of humans on Earth. Past research has suggested that sperm whales alone consume more than 100 million tons of squid every year. Jackson reasons if that estimate just covers squid eaten by one predator species, then their total mass must exceed that of humans, which represent half of 1 percent of the total biomass on Earth, according to the World Wildlife Foundation.

Meanwhile, fishing rates of another predator, tuna, have doubled from 2 million to 4 million tons a year since 1994, which means more squid may have escaped being eaten. Couple these factors with slightly warmer waters and you have a boom.

Anecdotal evidence has hinted at the success of the animals. Fishermen off the coast of New Zealand and Australia have been pulling up more squid in their nets in recent years. And on the West Coast of the United States, from Southern California to Alaska's shores, a series of widespread sightings and beachings of the enormous Humboldt squid has scientists puzzled and pointing to possible warmer temperatures in these waters.

Humboldt squid, also known as flying jumbo squid, can reach 7 feet to 15 feet in length and weigh as much as 100 pounds. Their growth rate is also astounding. A young squid 2 millimeters in length can grow to a meter in a single year.

"That's like a human baby growing to the size of a whale in one year," said William Gilly, a biologist at Stanford University's Hopkins Marine Station in Pacific Grove, Calif., who has been studying the species.

Over the past few months, the voracious animals with probing arms and tentacles have appeared as far north as the Alaskan coast. Gilly chalks up their northern appearances to a bump in warming in these areas and the animal's flexible biology.

"The species seems to be pretty adaptable to temperature, so if temperature opens up new niches, they just move in," he said. "They're not picky."


Not All Squid Are Alike

But other squid experts point out not all cephalopods may do well in warming conditions. Steve O'Shea, a senior research fellow at Auckland University in New Zealand, says squid that reside mostly in surface waters may be more flexible than those that hover in the ocean's permanently chilly deep depths. And cephalopods that hang out in colder regions of the globe, like the colossal squid (the largest known squid that has been found off the coast of Antarctica), may be more vulnerable to temperature change.

"A warming of the oceans could also result in the demise of cold-water, deep-sea species of squid," he said.

He adds that fishing isn't only affecting fish species. Cephalopods are often snagged in nets and trawlers who drag nets on the ocean floor can destroy clusters of their eggs.

"Seven species of octopus and squid in New Zealand waters are already considered extinct or seriously impacted by deep sea fisheries," he said. "This is the opposite side of the coin."

Jackson says despite the uncertainty about colder-water cephalopods, he has no doubt that a shift is under way.

"We're replacing one ecosystem -- fish -- with another -- cephalopods," he said. "There's no way of knowing what impact that will have."

Forsythe suggests one consequence could be a change in the American palate.

"In North America, squid aren't that popular yet," he said. "But when fish are $10 a pound and squid are $4 a pound, people will start to say 'Hmm, wonder if I can find a good recipe for that?'

"I think that's inevitable."


Copyright © 2004 ABC News Internet Ventures

Bad Day in Colonel Land

I cut in front of a punk ass old lady at the bank this morning and dared her with my eyes to challenge me.  Went up on the sidewalk to hit a dog with old blue (my car).  Then bought some live red fish at a Japanese market and put the little red losers in a bucket and shot them over and over in my back yard. Then stopped by the raw bar and ate some live clams, then threw-up their lifeless, boneless bodies in the gutter at the Farm Store.  After peeing myself I moved to the bakery to fuck doughnuts but the bakery was closed.   
 
Tomorrow's another day.  I'm starting at the gas station, then church, and ending it at the public library.
 
-Colonel Pennsylvania

NOTE: He is making all this up. No dogs or fish or doughnuts were harmed. The Colonel wouldn't hurt a fly. Or a clam.

Lithuanian fried potato dumpling shit

From The Colonel's Log Book:

Between 3:00 PM and 7:00 PM, I'll be at the Golden Corral in Glen Burnie pounding fried chicken and soft serve ice cream with Kenneth M. Otto (KMO) (The first "O" in the telephone book).  In 1948 Kenneth got a phone call from a friend about the death of himself (KMO).  Another Kenneth M. Otto was listed in the SUN Papers as dead.  Kenneth told the friend calling, "No, I'm not dead, I'm talking to you."  In 1977 it happened again.  Kenneth M. Otto was listed as dead again, a number of folks called Kenneth (again) and Kenneth answered the phone.  When Kenneth was about 82 years old he fell down on his dinning room floor and couldn't get up.  He laid on the floor for 8 to 12 hours until a neighbor who he had an appointment with (KMO) kicked in the door.  While Kenneth laid on the dinning room floor waiting for death, he tried to re-teach himself how to whistle and took two or three naps.
 
Lithuanian Hall will be the funniest meeting.  If you're at the Lithuanian bar or sitting at a table eating that Lithuanian fried potato dumpling shit, drinks are on me until 10:00 PM anyplace else.  Then I go home and burn my notes from the day.
 
-The Colonel